My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
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Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I never needed anything more in my life
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day