My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
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My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.