“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
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“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
The first one, obviously
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out