Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

May your day taste like creamy soup.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game