My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter