My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
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People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.