My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 馃拃馃拃馃拃
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“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I鈥檓 wearing spanx and i can鈥檛 breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don鈥檛 know why you wore those it didn鈥檛 even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don鈥檛 think I need to explain any further.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don鈥檛 believe in winter.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
It鈥檚 so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don鈥檛 ask which one were they.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
When you鈥檝e lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
don鈥檛 give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That鈥檚 not funny.
[Origins鈥
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you鈥he Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah鈥ait, what?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend鈥檚 body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I鈥檝e been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don鈥檛 leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.