Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*