My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
