My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
bat life
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
who wants to go expliring
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”