My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
These 3D printers are insane!
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem