My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
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Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Is this you?
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.