My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
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My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
#Caturday
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”