My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
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Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Oh we’ve met.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
BRO LMFAO
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0