my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
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I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
when there are deer in the woods
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
me to God
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today