my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
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When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Always 🥴
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
