my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
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to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
How dramatic are you?
