My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
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Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.