Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.