My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
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Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.