My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
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Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Huge, if true.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I’m never leaving this app.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.