Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

sliding into dms like

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

Knock Knock

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.