Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you changed” bro i was 15

Tuesday

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.