Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

God making man in his image was the original selfie

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

I would move hell over six inches for you

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”