@PlagueLovers

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

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@reallifemommy3

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

@RawBeanCoal

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

@itsallbollocks

couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level

@sixfootcandy

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

@Smooheed

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

@brycoo

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

@SteveKoehler22

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

@lindarchilders

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.