My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.


Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.


Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.


[at a climate change conference]
Scientist: What have YOU done to prevent global warming?
Me: bro I made the change from spicy nacho to cooler ranch Doritos


I always like to keep $7000.00 on me in case I wanna stop at Whole Foods and get some fruit


A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…


[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit



Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)


It’s weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.