My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
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What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
The first matador
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.