My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I am also baked goods
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
