Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Does your wife know you’re single?

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

ㅤ

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?