My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.