My patronus is a cheeseburger
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‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?