My patronus is a cheeseburger
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My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
can’t bark with your mouth full
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
