My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
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I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”