Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion