My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
You Might Also Like
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I can’t stop laughing at this
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.