Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf