My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.