My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
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me to God
Good morning.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
i just found this in my phone
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
We all have our pet causes.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate