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Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
me w/kids:
Don鈥檛 tell anybody where you learned that.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it鈥檚 important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Looking at a guy in great shape: 馃敟馃敟
Looking at a girl in great shape: 馃槏馃槏
Looking at workout equipment: 馃槓
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent鈥檚 confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.