You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I’m being attacked 😭
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.