Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl