Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.