My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
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this is the most humiliating day of my life
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Mad Max: Furry Road
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
#titanic
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.