My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
@ candidates for local office
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?