My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
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Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
#Caturday
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.