My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
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Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Brb my Sims are getting married
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.