My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again