My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
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strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
This 4th of July, please remember…
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training