My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
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Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
buys donuts instead
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back