My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
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Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Monday
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Imma just leave this here…………
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.