Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.