My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
yes… yes…
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”