My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
What fresh Hell is this?!?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
💻🤡
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said