my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
opening twitter today
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle