my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
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Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire