@prufrockluvsong

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

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@Rollinintheseat

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

@FormerGrunt

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

@robfee

Make your employees work 8x faster by constantly playing that music from Sonic the Hedgehog when you’ve been under water for too long.

@painted_eel

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

@BuckyIsotope

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

@TragicAllyHere

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

@pleatedjeans

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

@JimmerThatisAll

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.