Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
Make your employees work 8x faster by constantly playing that music from Sonic the Hedgehog when you’ve been under water for too long.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.