@amydillon

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

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@DonQuickoats

The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger

@redthe1

Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit “copy”

*hope

@dumbbeezie

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

@TheCatWhisprer

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

@Thepinkparka

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

@MrsRupertPupkin

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

@daemonic3

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

@moiragallaga

The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.