@amydillon

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

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@chelliet22

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

@PlopWaffle

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

@ceejoyner

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

@clarkekant

My electric toothbrush ran out of batteries so I had to brush with my acoustic.

@FunnyTunes

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

@jamespianka

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*