Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.