My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

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The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger


Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit “copy”



My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken


Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.


Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.


My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!


What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?


The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.