Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
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“Theirye’re” problem solved
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
*pronounces fake like saké*
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Goodnight 🐶
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws