This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
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I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D