Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

Spring cleaning checklist…

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.