My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
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I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true