My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
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the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles