My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
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Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
“Wait, let me explain..”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.