My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
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the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time