My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
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Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.