My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
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starting a garage orchestra
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Check your privilege
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.