Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

when someone rings the doorbell

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.