My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]