My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.