My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport