@dumbbeezie

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

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@dave_cactus

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

@HeMightBeJason

Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth.

I’m a goddamn genius.

@Mom_Overboard

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

@jonnysun

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

@Darlainky

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

@bridger_w

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

@iGreenMonk

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she’s still alive.

@FredTaming

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants