My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
You Might Also Like
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”