My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

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[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!


Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth.

I’m a goddamn genius.


They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.


Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free


DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city


“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.


I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.


I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she’s still alive.


“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants