[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth.
I’m a goddamn genius.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.
But no, she’s still alive.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants